Explantaions...

I feel as if I owe my readers an explanation for my absents.  The past few weeks have been rough, so I needed to take a break from myself and all things surrounding weight loss.  I needed to reevaluate why I lost the weight and who it was for.  It was and is for my sweet little girl that will grow up in a world that pushes unhealthy food and an extreme need to be thin.  My hope was to show her a healthy life style, so that she wouldn't fall into the junk food traps and how to be proud of herself.  Yet I feel into the trap of trying to be thin for the wrong reasons.  In fact, at times it is all I can think about.  This is not what I want for my daughter or myself, so I have decided to focus less on the weight aspects and focus more on health. 
To give you an explanation let's talk psychology.  Many people with weight problems think that if they lose all of their weight life will be in a sense "perfect".  Well this is far from the truth; in fact while it takes away some problems it adds others.  I thought my marriage would heal itself if I was thin, but honestly it got worse before it got better.  It took work... lots of work!  Most people on a weight loss journey have an idea of what they want to look like, but what happens when you lose the weight and you look nothing like you wanted?  The stretch marks are still there and are in fact worse, because of extra skin.  Parts of you got skinny while other parts continue to hold onto weight.  Many times these harsh realities cause people to spiral into uncontrollable weight gain; almost like a depression.  Weight control is a daily mental and physical battle that can only be won by the strongest of people.  Am I strong enough; I pray to God that he gives me the strength. 
There is a term that floats around the drug community which is "binge addict".  This is someone that can go for months at a time without using and then something (usually emotional) happens and causes the addict to binge on their drug of choice as if they had never quit.  Usually this does not apply to dieters, but I do feel it applies to those who have lost large amounts of weight.  It is like something breaks you and all you want to do is eat.  You eat to say screw everyone that has judged me, you eat to feel better. 
My biggest challenge at this point is where do I find balance between being a "binge addict" and being a healthy adult.  I don't need to go weeks eating healthy; to then follow it up with a week of massive junk food consumption.  Balance is the key!  Eat healthy, but understand that a cookie here and there is OK.  One cupcake isn't going to make or break you, but ten will.  I need to allow myself that one cupcake to avoid the build up that leads to the ten.
Thank you for listening and understanding why I couldn't write for a while. To be honest I didn't even know what to write, because I didn't understand my feelings.  Happy healthy eating everyone!