Explantaions...

I feel as if I owe my readers an explanation for my absents.  The past few weeks have been rough, so I needed to take a break from myself and all things surrounding weight loss.  I needed to reevaluate why I lost the weight and who it was for.  It was and is for my sweet little girl that will grow up in a world that pushes unhealthy food and an extreme need to be thin.  My hope was to show her a healthy life style, so that she wouldn't fall into the junk food traps and how to be proud of herself.  Yet I feel into the trap of trying to be thin for the wrong reasons.  In fact, at times it is all I can think about.  This is not what I want for my daughter or myself, so I have decided to focus less on the weight aspects and focus more on health. 
To give you an explanation let's talk psychology.  Many people with weight problems think that if they lose all of their weight life will be in a sense "perfect".  Well this is far from the truth; in fact while it takes away some problems it adds others.  I thought my marriage would heal itself if I was thin, but honestly it got worse before it got better.  It took work... lots of work!  Most people on a weight loss journey have an idea of what they want to look like, but what happens when you lose the weight and you look nothing like you wanted?  The stretch marks are still there and are in fact worse, because of extra skin.  Parts of you got skinny while other parts continue to hold onto weight.  Many times these harsh realities cause people to spiral into uncontrollable weight gain; almost like a depression.  Weight control is a daily mental and physical battle that can only be won by the strongest of people.  Am I strong enough; I pray to God that he gives me the strength. 
There is a term that floats around the drug community which is "binge addict".  This is someone that can go for months at a time without using and then something (usually emotional) happens and causes the addict to binge on their drug of choice as if they had never quit.  Usually this does not apply to dieters, but I do feel it applies to those who have lost large amounts of weight.  It is like something breaks you and all you want to do is eat.  You eat to say screw everyone that has judged me, you eat to feel better. 
My biggest challenge at this point is where do I find balance between being a "binge addict" and being a healthy adult.  I don't need to go weeks eating healthy; to then follow it up with a week of massive junk food consumption.  Balance is the key!  Eat healthy, but understand that a cookie here and there is OK.  One cupcake isn't going to make or break you, but ten will.  I need to allow myself that one cupcake to avoid the build up that leads to the ten.
Thank you for listening and understanding why I couldn't write for a while. To be honest I didn't even know what to write, because I didn't understand my feelings.  Happy healthy eating everyone!

The harsh reality!

Recently, I have been evaluating relationships, those in my life, and my contributions to humanity. I have begun by asking... do I deserve those who love me?  What have I done to earn their love or friendship?  Sadly, I have come to realize I am not a very good friend or confidant; I am to chicken $h!t to tell people what I think.  I have talked badly about people I should love and embrace, and the worse part of it is it's usually behind their back. I royally suck sometimes! It is shameful, but it's the truth.  After evaluating myself the question then turned into... what have those I have let in to my life done to earn my love and trust?  The truth?!?... Not much, because I trust and love blindly.  In fact, I am drawn to people that are broken.  Not that everyone in my life is broken, but those that I choose to give myself to the most are. It's confusing, but all I can do is work on myself and pray that everything else falls into place.  Then, I began thinking about why as a culture we sit and complain about our lives but never take action.  Should we blame ourselves? Our parents? Our teachers?  The answer is unclear!  All I know is we as a society embrace and in fact encourage mediocrity.  We are told from day one that we are "perfect", every kid gets a trophy! Therefore we accept our faults and just consider them as part of who we are, yet we have the power to change and shape ourselves. I heard the mother of all things recently; don't let your child open their presents during their birthday party, because it will make the other kids feel bad that they didn't get anything... SERIOUSLY!?! I don't give a flying monkey if your kid thinks they deserve a present on my child's birthday!  Disappointment is a part of life and is actually quite healthy!  The "everyone wins" mentality is filling our society with mediocre losers! Like not making the team... well damn it if it means that much to them they better try harder next year! If they truly want something they should have to work their @$$ off to get it; not just have it handed to them.  I apologize if this offends anyone, because that is truly not my intention... I am just very tired of people settling for less when they can be so much more!  This last statement includes myself... I live, love, and work half heartily and I pray it's something I can change.  At this point I want to say sorry to anyone I have hurt; there is no excuse for it.  I am very sorry and plan to work my hardest to earn not only your love but also your trust.  Thanks for taking the time to read this crazy rant :)

Accusations... jealousy... really?!?

Well to start off this post I owe you a weigh in.  Today I weighed in at 149lbs, so I lost weight! Success!  Although it is a great feeling, I did cheat a little.  Friday night I had chicken and waffles and it was DELICIOUS! Anyways, I am getting off topic.  I have decided I will not post pictures until the end of C25K, because I want to focus more of the health of my lifestyle than physical looks. 

Now to get to the title of this entry "Accusations... jealousy... really?!?".  To put it lightly people suck!  Why is it that when someone loses weight people automatically throw out, "Oh she must be sick" or "Oh she must have an eating disorder".  Seriously?!?!  For everyone that has made those accusations please know I am not sick and I DO NOT have an eating disorder!  I do realize many of these people are "concerned", but these issues are silly.  The reason I started this new lifestyle is to be healthy for my kids.  If I were throwing up or not eating it would be trading obesity for something just as bad, and I am not interested!  Remember every person is different and I have a rare form of self control.  I have found it is easier to change the things I don't like than to continue doing them.  Many people say it is because others are jealous, but I want all of my readers to know that it is not my goal to make others jealous.  I strive to set good examples and be someone people can look up to.  I want to motivate others to be the best person they can be.  Live a life worth living and take hold of what is yours!  Thank you to all my supporters.  You guys are amazing and make every post worth it. 

Middle of week TWO C25K!!

This week has been in many ways wonderful, and keeps getting better!  I made it past day 3 on the new Weight Watchers PointPlus program... this is a big deal.  For those of you who diet and have dieted ever notice how on day one you're ok, but crave naughty foods?  Day two you're a little moody but eager to push onto day three, and then day 3 comes along... Dun Dun Dunnnnnnnnn (or however that dooming sound effect is written).  Day 3 is the HARDEST; you want to eat everything in sight, you get mad at people eating the foods you want, and eating wrong seems so delightful.  If you make the right choices and follow through when you wake up on day 4 it's like a weight has lifted off of your shoulders!  You did it you made it through one of the toughest cravings you will have on your weight loss journey!  It also gives you an extra boost of confidence knowing that you kicked some food craving @$$!!!  Don't get me wrong cravings will return, but now you know you can say no and mean it! I want to challenge my readers to give themselves three days.  If you wake up on day 4 and still want to kill someone than I give you permission to kick my butt.  Gently though, I still want to be pretty!  Be kind to yourself and know you are human.  I am posting a picture of myself when the weight was still on... I am not proud of it.  However, I am proud of the mother, wife, and person I was and am now.  The photo just reminds me that I deserve happiness and health!

Happy New Year!!! Welcome 2011!

Today is the day you have all been waiting for, and the day I have been nervous about!  Weigh in number one and pictures.  After the holidays I have officially weighed in at 151.4lbs.  While this isn't bad and well within the "healthy" weight range for my height it's not my goal weight.  My goal weight is 140 and I will keep posting weigh ins and pictures throughout my C25K journey in hopes that running and healthy eating will take me back down.  It has been a GREAT week so far!  The workouts are easy, but I was a runner before this... so I anticipate they will get harder.  Cross-training has been fun since it has been all "mommy and me" work outs.  The kids really enjoy being involved, and poor Ben gets so excited he has ran into the dumbbells more than once.  The best thing ever is coming up from a sit up and getting a big wet kiss!  Nothing like little kid slobber to make your work out awesome!  I have been thinking about getting him his own little weights as he always tries to steal mine. Also, my husband has been torturing me (I am a willing participant) with leg lifts; in an attempt to strengthen my tummy muscles and minimize my "pooch".  I hope everyone is having a FANTASTIC New Year!  Welcome 2011!  Let's take this year as our own and show anyone that has ever doubted us that we are capable of doing anything we set our minds to!